My Personal Take On ‘How To Know If You’ve Married The Right Man!’

Recently a friend shared an article on ‘11 Signs You Married The Right Man‘ on FB and I just found myself clicking the link and settling down for a thorough read. You can put that particular instinct down to just plain, unadulterated curiosity or just the cliched fact that I love reading and the title caught my eye!

A Right Man To Marry

Just to summarize, following are the 11 signs that the article authors Amy Odell and Lori Fradkin put forth:

• “He always brags about you”
• “Even after years together, he still does little chivalrous things for you”
• “He doesn’t try to change you”
• “I miss you isn’t just a sweet thing to say”
• “You can cry in front of him without feeling embarrassed”
• “When your friends complain about their significant others or the guys they’ve gone out with, you get kind of quiet because you don’t have much to contribute.”
• “He’s close with your family, and he’s made sure you’ve gotten to know his.”
• “He cares about your friends.”
• “He lets you vent.”
• “He tells you, out of the blue, that you look hot.”
• “You can do things like travel together without fighting all the time.”

Yes, I can definitely see where these girls got this list from, for every girl wants these things in a relationship. Yet, I have found this list to be incomplete at best and childish at worst. I mean, I would have wanted some of these things from my first boyfriend in high school and I’d like to think I am more mature than that now!

Ideally, I would whole-heartedly endorse this list if I were single and ready to mingle or even if I had a great boyfriend on my arm and the feeling in my head ‘Let’s see where this leads to!’. But marriage. I think not!

Had you asked me for such a list when I was fresh out of college, and still going gaga over Bollywood love stories and still drooling over ‘tall dark handsome’ hunks a la Mills and Boons, I would still have endorsed this list almost 90 percent of the way.

Now however, 5 years down the marriage line, I’d like to think I am older (at least by 5 physical years and by one lifetime of karmic years) and hopefully wiser (with my rose tinted glasses safely stowed away… just in case my daughter needs to borrow them in her teens). 

So, here’s my list for how to know if you have married the right guy, and yes, before you get nasty in the comments there’s 2 things you really need to know… 

(a) this is ‘an opinion’, ‘my opinion’, not necessarily the Holy Gospel of Truth (and definitely not necessarily ‘your opinion’ too) and

(b) a couple of points are borrowed from the original article (but I never did say that I completely, 100 percent disagreed with it!)

So here goes:

(1) Loves You No Matter What

If I were to talk about me in particular – in order for a man to be a right spouse for me; my second, last and every possible prerequisite in the middle, will only come after this massive first one – that he love me (and me only) no matter what! So what if I goof up every once a while, embarrass him with my tall tales, extremist views or dressing sense (or lack there of) or am loud and boisterous! If he can handle me at my worst and still feel that love… he is, was and will always be the only one perfect man for me.

(2) Understands Your Distress

A abandoned puppy makes me cry, so does thinking about the people waiting for the passengers of MH370; goodbyes distress me and sometimes I even cry over no apparent reason. I have seen my fair share of men who don’t understand my tears or my high emotional empathy; and I am sure so have you! So whether it is just the hormones or some invisible connect that you (and possibly only you) feel, if your man can understand your distress without laughing at it, making jokes at your expense or worse, just abandon you to deal with it alone, I think you have married your right man!

(3) Is Not Afraid Of Impulsive PDA

I don’t know if you are one, but I am most certainly a ‘touchy-feely’ person. I have irresistible, inexplicable and incorrigible urges get a quick peck on the cheek; or a big, all-enveloping bear hug; or a ‘please warm my cold hands for me’ scene very once in a while. Trouble is, these urges are neither time bound nor do they respect places and people. Thank God for small mercies, for I also happen to think that impulse keeps the romance alive in a marriage. So yes, maybe not always, but if my man is open to receiving my small, momentary gestures, my impulse PDAs, without a smirk or a ‘take it quick, before anyone looks this way’ comment, I think I have married the right man!

(4) Values Your Opinion, Ideas And Person

It is sad, but I have seen just too many unequal marriages. Unfortunately for them, I am highly, unabashedly and critically judgmental of them; for I come from the ‘two tires of the same car’ school of thought. (For those that don’t know – the thought suggests that both spouses in a marriage are like the two front wheels of a locomotive. If both are not equally inflated or if one is flat, the car cannot run far). So, if a man is constantly shooting down my ideas, taking decisions without regard for my opinion or generally stifling ‘my person’, he can never be right for me, no matter what he does, sacrifices or builds for me. I am sure any self-respecting female would feel the same. If your spouse values, nurtures and uplifts your individuality and gives you the freedom to breathe (without calling it feminist or labeling it as a ‘modern wave of womanhood’), you have hit the jackpot called the ‘right man’.

(5) Is Neither Violent, Not Aggressive Nor A Bully

I know too many ladies who call their man the ‘perfect man’ simply because they are irrevocably, passionately and madly in love with them. It is this Shakespearean love of epic proportions that makes them strong beyond the realms of imagination, a strength that is so often wasted on the lowliest of low pond scum . I know females in love who will hide the marks of a violent fight; I know females who will never protest a decision that they are adamantly against so as not to cause a scene and I definitely know females who have completely lost their voice, in a bid to maintain peace and love. Some day, sometimes even a lifetime (and two children) away, they come to their senses, often to realize that they will now have to live with the ‘wrong man’ knowing that he is the wrong one. It is somehow much worse than calling the wrong man the right one and living with a falsely optimistic hope, don’t you think? So, if you have found a man who does not boss you around, is not  Neanderthal in his problem solving techniques and is gentle with his ways, I think you have found the right man to grow a lifetime with.

(6) Is A Fabulous Parent

If you have found a man who is as great a father as he is a man, you really, really have something worth hanging on to. A man who takes active interest in his child’s activities, studies and past times whenever he gets the time, without holding on to the ideology that it is completely a ‘woman’s job’ or without making excuses, is truly a fabulous man. If your guy is caring, understanding and considerate and takes nightly turns with your baby; if your guy is the one who ditches his own football buddies to take your kid out for a ride and if your guy makes it a point to always be available for your child, that is definitely the guy you should be spending the rest of your life with. This is the guy you will always be proud of, the guy who will bring tears of ‘I can’t believe HE happened to me’ to your eyes, the guy you will want to be the ‘right woman’ for!

(7) Is A Considerate Lover

When talking about spouses, how can we ignore the sex! Though it is still not a part of Indian culture to get divorces based on this aspect of marriage, it is an undisputed fact that issues in the bedroom can cause insurmountable problems. So, a right man, the one who is worth the long haul, is definitely someone who is considerate in the bedroom and puts your pleasure on equal footing with his own. Enough said ladies, you get what I mean!

(8) Is Willing To Fight For You

No, I do not mean that the right guy will fight for you with a bunch of hooligans on the street, like they show in the movies. When I say that the right man is one who is willing to fight for you, I mean fight for the relationship! Even the best of marriages have rocky periods. Even the couples who have enviable Facebook pics of a fabulous wedding, a grand honeymoon and a million smooching and hugging selfies, go through patches when they just want to delete everything and give up on their relationship. The right man is the one who will fight to make it work; will tide through the rough patches and still hold on tight, waiting for good times to roll. The right man is the one who will absolutely, resolutely and adamantly refuse to let you walk away even in the worst of times and who will never give up when it comes to working on the relationship. Now, who in their right mind, would leave such a guy I don’t know… only the really senile ones methinks!

(9) And Of Course The Other Equally Important Little Things

For any man to be the right one for ANY woman, irrespective of shape, size, color and weight; there has to be an equal sprinkling of generous compliments, chivalrous deeds, unexpected romantic endeavors, grand birthday and anniversary celebrations, shopping spree budgets and fun and laughter in your relationship. No woman can ever underplay the importance of these small, seemingly inconsequential things in a healthy marriage, and every right man worth his grain of salt understands this.

Just a note for all the single women who are still waiting to have their romantic fantasies come true. No man can be the right man for you if you are not the right woman for him (and this great bit of knowledge will only come to you once you have survived at least a year of your marriage). The two indeed go hand in hand. 

If at first, he is not the right one for you; maybe it is time for your own self-assessment. Work at being that right woman for him, I bet a ‘right man’ transformation will soon follow (unless of course, you’re in love with that lowliest of low pond scum that I talked of earlier :P)